Today bonds were severed again. It happened so abruptly, so unexpectedly but so familiarly to the last time it happened to me. Last time I was the severer; this time I was the severed. Be it karma or not, surely being at the receiving end hurt more than at the other. But in either position, the severing would still have to be. Emotions from pain and anguish do cloud the mind, and no matter how hard you try to consider the other person’s feelings, you can’t do anything but protect your own.
It distresses me to think just how weak we all are as humans; that we would be willing to trade away our friends, betray them, in order to protect our pitiful selves. But in fact we were the ones that were betrayed, and our hearts were the betrayer. If feelings did not cloud our judgement, did not twist the fact that we stand strong together with our comrades, then there would be no need for this severing of bonds. Sadly, we are weak. We, with our strong desires to protect and love those important to us, are weak; perhaps even too weak to carry out our desired duties. And the bottom line question becomes: “Why bother creating bonds with other people when our hearts betray us, when we can’t be sure of protecting them, and when the relationship probably won’t last?” It’s a question I fear asking, and yet the answer for which I earnestly seek.
Perhaps one things that redeems it all is that bonds are not severed to a point where they can never be made again. Bonds are broken in hope that a stronger bond can be re-forged at a later time. That is our hope when we discard a friend because of hurt. We hope to find them again but without that hurt so that a stronger bond can be formed. But we don’t know whether that can happen or not; we can never be certain that forging a better relationship will be successful or not. And in that, we play a hard risk: we risk our tainted relationships in order to forge better ones, or to lose them entirely and forever. I wonder why our hearts can cloud our love for our friends so much that we overlook the risk of losing them forever? Or is it that in the depths of the shadows of our hearts we find a glimpse of faith in the other person; something that tells us: “Surely the bond will be repaired and made stronger”?
As much as I didn’t want to face a severing, it wasn’t something I could run away from; the other person was feeling too much hurt. And again the same feelings went through my mind; that of betrayal, that of faithlessness, and that of sheer sorrow – more commonly associated with grief; asking the question: “Why?” even though we already know the answer. You shake your head again wondering why we humans are so weak, but even if you find your answer, there’s nothing you can do to change that weakness. It inevitably will happen again and again, and every time you’ll ask the same question, realise the same answer and come to expect it again like a routine.
The last person I severed bonds with was one which I felt great hatred and frustration towards by the time my heart had taken over my mind. And in the blink of an eye I did something I thought I regretted. But I knew the reason why I did it, I did hold that hope and faith in my mind when I did it but at the same time there was a sudden rush of hurt which made me feel regret. But before that regret could make me erase anything, things were already written in black and white, inerasable, unchangeable. The only thing left to do was to continue writing, continue trying to forge a stronger bond.
And perhaps one of the greatest tools that aids us in doing so is time. I will admit that after six months of having been out of complete contact with the other person, my hate, sorrow and regret have nearly faded away. And ironically what comes to light is in fact our strength: the ability to forgive and forget, to remember the warmth and desire to return to that warmth. As pitiful as we generally are, we still have our strengths; and I all the more eagerly thank God for granting us the ability, the heart, to forgive and forget.
I yearn to re-forge the bond with the friend that I lost; I yearn to apologise for the pain I caused in the severing, the gamble I took in trading away our friendship. And for once I feel a sincere hope that we can do it: that we can forge a stronger bond this time; I don’t whether it will come to pass, but if time can age us to be stronger today than six months ago, then surely we stand a better chance at it now than back then. I hope the opportunity comes around where I can see that person again; I fear slightly that time’s magic has not yet washed away her end of the sorrow. I wish I could take it away if it wasn’t but then again, I know I don’t have that ability to.
But this time round, perhaps I was shown the mercy that I did not deserve. And this time, there was not as much hate and soon enough the answer that I knew all along popped back into my mind; and I realize now why the severing took place, what purpose it was for. But this time I also know that the bond was not severed so that it can never be made whole again. This time there is hope, there is faith, more importantly there is time, and this time I can raise my head from sorrow and hate and say with complete confidence that in due time, the bond will be re-forged, stronger than it ever was, strong enough perhaps that it never needs to be severed again.