Commerce Mid-sem Break Social

Rather than jump into a summary of things that happened over this semester, what better to kick off the mid-sem break than with a post describing the events of the first day: one big social gathering with Commerce people.



In the morning, Andy Wong had a last minute idea to go play some LAN at Central’s City Hunter before the official social started. Spent 2 hours playing Left 4 Dead 2. Funny, it was my first time every playing this game, guess I’m just really out of it in terms of gaming. I suppose I can sort of see where the elements of addiction come from; it’s a fairly decent game, nice graphics and all. Jacky kept noobing things up because he was being too trigger happy with a rocket launcher, ah well, first person shooters are probably not his type.


The other funny thing that happened while we were playing were these “Wogs” (forgive the racial slang) who were playing DotA like in the area right next to us. You could not believe the amount of noise that came from those people, the amount of commotion over a somewhat slow game such as DotA. Phrases like “Omfg, get the f*** away from the tower” and “Why the f*** is the tower hitting me? Where are the f***ing creeps?!” were iterated multiple times throughout the two hours. From a normal bystander’s view, they were simply loud and annoying. From a gamer’s perspective, they were also very noob at the game. As a DotA player, I find it personally funny that you can get so “into” the game and yet be so bad at it. They were yelling out things that a person who’s played a lot would no longer be frustrated over. I occasionally shot a glance over at their game, most of the time they were yelling because their heroes died, from a lack of teamwork, and from the mere fact that they were bad at the game; and that caused a huge uproar amongst them every single time. There was one particular moment where they finally get a kill. All of them literally jumped up out of their seats and they all cheered and clapped and yelled, the kind of level of excitement you would expect from a patriot during the World Cup when their team scores. All that commotion over a game…



Promptly after gaming, we joined the rest of our faculty by Town Hall and moved off to Hyde Park for our picnic. The trouble in all of this is the large number of Christians in Commerce; with over 80 people who were going to attend throughout the day, the task of arranging food, activities, and just simply moving people around the city seemed a daunting task. Luckily for the picnic there were only about 40 people who came. We played a number of games that our organisers Ben, Steph, Ellen and Chris had carefully arranged for us. Activities included Chinese whisper-charades, and another one where each team chooses two people at a time to hold a balloon between each other, back to back, move down to a line and then toss a tennis ball into a bucket placed at a fair distance from the line. The games were quite creative.


After playing through all the set games we sat down for a short period of time to eat some snacks, have some drinks, and play…Magic cards?! Yeah, somehow the game is making a comeback within our group, probably because of that one-off free cards giveaway that our uni had for a week; the damn promotion just got a lot of people into wanting to play the game again. I guess I am no exception. Then again, I do hope that we all realise that we just want to play with the cards that we already have, and that there is no need to pursue those new cards, and create that perfect deck with cards that we don’t have but would like to obtain through abusing our wallets and such. The game just somewhat changed for our high school group, when instead of treating Magic like a “trading card game”, it became “look at a list of cards, pick the ones you need and buy them game”.



After a quick game of Magic, many of us moved off to go karaoke. Others stayed back to hang around the park and others went off to Norita’s. Karaoke was heaps of fun with over 30 people, yeah most of us went karaoke since it is a speciality of our Commerce faculty. We were given 3 rooms between our group, which was a good thing; it allowed us to designate one room as what I call the “fob” room and the other two rooms as English rooms. And for once in karaoke, I did not sing a single English song, I stayed in the fob room for the whole time.


Part of the reason that today’s karaoke session was particularly good was that there were a few more people who had similar tastes in music (to me) – subjectively saying that today’s karaoke was good (for me). I managed to catch up on a lot of Jap songs that I haven’t been able to sing due the lack of interest in Jap music from other people that I normally go K with. I was very pleased some new music from K-ON!, Angel Beats and new Korean stuff.


The fob room was very unpopular at the beginning of our session but over time, people from the English rooms came in to find out what songs we were singing (not that they would know anyway). Towards the end of our 2.5 hours (we were leaving 30 mins early), more and more people crowded into our room and it become apparent that any common taste our faculty had in non-English music could be found in Korean culture. There was a huge “dance-off” once we hit the SNSD/Kara block. There are a couple of wild videos of us on Facebook (or soon there will be some) where we show our true passion for “those sorts of songs” through epic singing and epic dancing.


Have no idea what happened in the other rooms, since I never left my one, but it sounded as if other rooms had just as much fun; perhaps because most of the people were there anyway at the beginning. Sitting through a lot of Chinese music wasn’t too bad, still not my style of music but still is okay to handle once a while haha!



After Karaoke, we moved off to dinner – some Korean restaurant along Liverpool St. The rest of our group (who didn’t go karaoke) were already there waiting for us. More people came just for dinner so our initial group of 40 expanded. I was surprised the restaurant had a seating capacity that could hold all 60+ of us AND still have a fair amount of space for regular customers.


Our table ordered hotpot; we were clearly ripped off by the lack of meat that we got but apart from that, the vegetables did fill us up good. Other tables ordered BBQ stuff and in general everyone had spicy stuff, although they didn’t really order it. It seemed like the cooks just made everything spicy even though the menu didn’t really mention anything about the food being spicy. They also forbid us from having seafood since they decided that it would take forever to serve us all if they had to prepare seafood for everyone; stingy Koreans.


We didn’t stay too long for dinner, chatted and played some card games afterwards. Wonder how Monopoly Deal became such a popular game? After dinner we went a short distance to take some group photos and then had ice cream. Not everyone wanted some so we managed to gather 11 of us to share in the biggest thing that the French Riviera had. It was a fairly tall mountain of ice cream for $51, and we probably didn’t need 11 people to finish it but it was quite enjoyable, and difficult to eat considering how it threatened to just tip over at the beginning.


Funnily enough, most of the rest of the group just remained outside the entire time we were inside eating dinner. Goes to show how idle our group can be if no-one decides on a concrete thing to do. Some people went home but the rest of them just loitered outside. In fact we continued to loiter outside after finishing our ice cream and it was only after another half hour did we decide to go home. Our bus ride home reminded Nat of a similar bus ride home at night on the same bus but with our youth group kids from RICE a couple of weeks back; there was sort of the same mood of having good conversation with one another on public transport. Yeah I guess those times can also be productive for conversation as well.


So all in all it was a long day. How did I ever manage to come up with the energy to blog this all up? And this is merely day 1 of our mid-sem break.


Net Cafe and Karaoke

Well today  marks the beginning of another clump of action in my life, which I guess I am glad for. Today our group went out to the city for gaming at a net cafe and also karaoke,: 3 hours and 2 hours respectively. Though it does seem we did little, it took a lot of time to do.


Okay without much delay let’s jump into behind-the-scenes on the train in the morning. Can’t believe Kelvin wanted to drag us all to the city at 10am, which means I have to wake up early, but I guess I have no regrets for net cafe, it was fun today. Anyway one thing nobody saw on the train was this incident: I was on the train and there was this Asian chick perhaps in her early 20’s sitting in front of me (the important thing was that I could see where she was sitting really). Anyway a few stations later 4 Curries got on, 3 men and 1 woman. One guy sat next to the afore mentioned Asian chick, another sat in the same row on the other side, another in front of the first guy and  another not too far. Anyway the Asian chick decided to take a nap on the train and the Curry’s saw this as an opportunity for some major perversion. Particularly for the Curry guy sitting next to the Asian chick, they all kept looking at here once a while, just looking up and down her in that sick way that made me feel like shouting “F*** off you f***ing Curry perverts!” which they clearly were. Seriously, you hate to stick to stereotypes but an educated guess can conclude that a number of Currys are sick f***s who can’t be trusted, which is a shame in this world that there iss o much distrust. The Currys got off at Redfern while the Asian chick stayed on. Was my guess about them wrong?


Now for some gaming commentary. I have headings this time so please feel free to skip if you don’t want to read about it.



First of before I start, we decided to go back to that stupid City Hunter place because there arguably do have the better computers in the vicinity. But this time I decided to up my resolve and make sure we didn’t go over time. And luckily today we didn’t encounter any such problem. We only played one match of Dota, and then many other things.


Mode: All Pick/Easy Mode



Me (captain): Invoker
Charlie: Viper
Chris: Clockwerk Goblin



Kelvin (captain): Admiral
Nick: Ursa Warrior
Joseph: Shadow Feind


To begin, let me introduce my “captain” thing. I suppose for DotA or any sort of team game, all players end up looking up towards their strongest player, one with more experience and who should play better on the whole. It would therefore be the captain’s responsibility to look after their teammates and make decisions that involve a team effort. In the case of DotA this would include team ganking and team pushing as well as lane management and scouting.


Okay, well let’s no worry too much about team line up at the moment. I was farming against Joseph in middle lane. Now I’m only a novice Invoker player at the moment so I used this opportunity to practice; still need a bit more work though. I failed to kill Joseph at any point in the early game but Joseph also managed to hold his own ground most of the time. His Shadow Raze was fairly accurate, not that I was afraid because he only kept it at lvl 1, a mere 75 damage which I can recover in a few seconds. But due to Joseph’s novice play he failed to farm well and obviously he let me work up my income and exp.


Meanwhile over in top lane was Chris against Nick. Now let me stress that when you have equally skilled players playing against each other, “Ursa > Clockwerk”. In fact most of the time “Ursa > a lot of things” so it was particularly surprising to find that Chris as Clockwerk scores First Blood against Nick as Ursa. In fact not only then but Chris scored maybe two more kills on Nick after that. I never had a chance to see how it happened though, although I do suspect that Nick only died because of a failed attempt to kill.


And finally in bottom lane Charlie took on Kelvin and I actually found it impressive that Charlie didn’t die early against Kelvin. But thisis fair. Although Admiral is a fiesty hero, Viper has such annoying dps (damage per second) that it should also annoy a lot of heroes. But I suppose neither player actually plays offensively so it’s fair to understand that neither of them died till a bit later, after Chris’ 2-3 kills haha!


Anyway I wasn’t much of the lead player for a long part of the game because let’s face it, Invoker isn’t one of those “kill on their own” heroes. If it ever came down to a 3v3 showdown then of course my help would net some of the kills. But until then I stayed passive and just moved around farming and harassing whenever I got the chance.


Chris and Charlie started working together without me saying and the two of them kept exchanging blows with Kelvin, Joseph and Nick. Chris started dying occasionally, Charlie got up to killing spree while everyone else had their share of deaths. I guess I could’ve prevented Chris from dying if I had been there rather than on the other side of the map happily jungling. Charlie lived because of several unsuccessful attempts by Kelvin to kill him. In my eyes in was kind of funny; both players deserved to fail: Charlie in his escaping and Kelvin in his chasing. First off Charlie was clearly farming in dangerous territory. As a general hint, crossing the river in the middle without knowing where your opponents are is extremely dangerous and asking to get ganked. So as expected along comes Kelvin to deliver the kill. Unfortunately he fails to finish Charlie off on account of being unable to chase him down, which can happen but shouldn’t be likely. One factor of this may have been because Charlie was going for Sange & Yasha, which as a rule is off limits to any hero that has an orb skill, it’s just stupid. But somehow it served to help Charlie from dying out of misjudgement several times, wow.


As the game progressed on further I actually died once because I was roaming too freely and tried to kill at the wrong time; bad judgement on my behalf about Invoker’s strength. Although actually I could’ve killed Kelvin, I was running away for like 10 seconds while my two lava spawns were hitting him. I just missed out after I died and Kelvin got away on a sliver of health; he would’ve died ages ago had I made the resolve to get a kill and die, rather than simply run for it. This happened several times more where Kelvin got away on a sliver of health. I always kept playing to stay alive, rather than try for a kill really, it’s my conservative play I guess which I use for heroes that I’m not too confident with.


But on Invoker’s play style, I find that he’s rather versatile if you’re willing to put in the finger work. For example: Quas offers 0.75 hp regeneration per level per instance. So early on if you were farming and were on middle health, you could toggle all three instances to Quas for health regeneration. Wex is 1% IMS (increased move speed) and 2% IAS (increased attack speed) per level per instance. What I’m interested here is the move speed bonus. A number of times when I was running away after seeing that I’m losing a fight, I’d quickly toggle my three instances to Wex and start running and you find the bonus is rather helpful, I escaped easily many times just by bothering to toggle to “escape mode”. Finally Exort is 3 damage per level per instance and is the primary setting most players have, more damage is better on the offensive play. But of course to fully utilize Invoker you should be willing to toggle between the other two skills whenever you deem necessary. And that’s a general overview of how to use Invoker and how I’m learning to play him as.


Eventually my hard farming paid off in the form of massive items, again though just testing item builds and seeing which items would suit Invoker. Eventually I started picking up the pace and ended up having the largest score at 9-1, a fair score considering I’m not the “carrier” hero in the team. But now we go onto line up. Invoker is a great support hero so that’s why I realized I couldn’t kill anyone with say 4-5 hits, it’d take a bit more. But Kelvin’s heor is a carrier, Nick’s Ursa is considered a tank more-so but sometimes a carrier if the item build is right. And of Joseph’s Shadow Fiend is a deadly hero as well. Team-wise, they had the advantage. But whatever, without much detail needed we eventually won and that was the match.




After playing DotA we moved onto one match of StarCraft. More of us were novice at this game, compared to the numbers in DotA, but okay we’re still willing to play. I’m not sure how professionally we played because there seemed to be a lack of action for a long part of the game.All I can say is that I am nowhere near good enough at this game; still have time before StarCraft II comes out I guess.


The teams were me (Protoss), Charlie (Terran) and Joseph (Zerg). The other team was Nick (Zerg), Kelvin (Protoss), Chris (Terran). Wasn’t really watching Charlie, but I did notice that Joseph just massed zerglings, which I think is not recommended in a single 1v1 match but in a team game it’s kind of okay. I’ve watched a number of games so I thought I’d just go and rush Dark Templars. But I guess that’s not as effective against Nick, since he had so many overlords patrolling his base. Kelvin made a fool of himself when he built his pylons together in a clump. After I had reached Dark Templars the game fell apart for me and I forgot to continue teching to cruisers. Whatever, I don’t even know the tech tree and I was lucky to have guessed right for dark templars.


Nick made the first attack and ransacked Joseph’s base which had no defense against Nick’s mutalisks. Good job to Joseph for never considering an air assault. But after a while Charlie’s came in and cleaned up that messed and then we moved in to finish off Nick’s base which kind of spelt “good game” for their team. Something happened to Kelvin already and he in capacitated. So all was left was Chris. But yeah we didn’t bother to play that far, we knew it was over.



Unreal Tournament

With about 1 and a half hours left before we were due, we started playing Unreal Tournament (2004 edition). I think we found a balanced game for everyone to play because we were all roughly at the same skill level so the game was very even and kept us all at even lengths with each other. There were many hilarious kills during the game; I remember many times when I’d nuke Kelvin without him noticing and other times when he did the same. Of course most hilarious I remember was in the second game where I rounded a corner just as Kelvin came in the opposite direction. We both met at point blank and I fired my flak cannon into him…”what the?!” totally unpredictable haha!


I won the first game: 25 kills while 2ndplace was Nick at 20 kills. In the second game Nick won but I came oh so close at 24 kills. In fact I had 10 seconds to hunt my final kill but Nick got there faster. So damn close haha! Afterwards we played a few rounds of capture the flag, 3v3 is sort of good arrangements yeah? The first round it was like Me, Charlie and Nick versus Kelvin, Nick and Joseph. We won that one 3-1. But the game was hectic nonetheless. Chris was very accurate in sniping and kept us from pushing. And then you’d have Joseph somehow sneaking from the side and taking our flag; he’s a fairly good player I’ll have to admit. Kelvin took it in himself to defend the flag but that didn’t suit him well so he resumed an offensive stance.


Second game, Nick and Chris switched sides and we won that 2-1 with a timeout. The map was a cool Chinese versus Japanese landscape, with two large castles of the Chinese and the Japanese. There was one point in this match where both teams had each other’s flags. It was me and Joseph and both of us went into hiding and it was up to our teammates to find the flag bearer; that took a good 5 minutes nearly but eventually Joseph was found and our flag returned so I immediately scored for our team.


In the last match we didn’t play to the end because time was out but yeah roughly the same thing happened and the score was at 1-1. Net cafe was rather fun this time round and luckily thanks to my care, we didn’t go overtime and have that stupid , selfish jerk try to charge us for going overtime by like one minute.




Humph, I’ll keep this short but I had some rather pathetic ramen in Market City; far out that place was a rip off. A small bowl of ramen was $8.50 and it didn’t taste anything special. Now the place back in Hornsby, Tokyo Ramen, they charge you like $2 extra at about $10.50 for a bowl of quality ramen with great soup and nearly twice the the size of what I had today. Perhaps there is no better place for ramen than Hornsby. There’s still one other place I’m meant to try but I can’t remember where but then again, chances are they’re still no match for Hornsby. Everyone else had Chinese food while Kelvin went for unhealthy fish and chips; unhealthy far out, I guess it’s okay to have them say once a month but unhealthy food stacks up if you eat a variety of them.




Went to K Squared for karaoke; I heard it was a good place through advice from uni friends at church. I guess they’re right if your aim is Chinese music. It kept everyone very happy for the two hours we spent there. And for the first time I was clueless at what they were singing and all, but that’s probably the same view they have when I sing Jap music. Speaking of which there was barely any Japanese music that I knew there. After much assessment I realized they were outdated by 8 years which is so not cool. I know some music from that many years back but nowadays I’m into what’s recent. I think I’m good for most music from 2006 onwards. So for this afternoon I didn’t get much of my share in songs, by that I had wanted more Jap songs to sing; only had 1 that I suppose I was sort of willing to sing, there were a few others I knew but they\re so old and overdone there’s no point in singing them anymore.


K Squared is an okay place I guess, $12 for 2 hours and a drink isn’t bad. Although I had kind of wished they had songbooks for us to look at, rather than a digital interface; which I have to admit is the smarter thing to do because it’s easy to update but then it’s harder to see all your choices on a computer screen than on a piece of paper I reckon; well actually my English tutor Carol taught me that. Besides, I had so much trouble reading the Japanese names of artists that I just gave up; probably too old anyway.


They had a poor karaoke system; wasn’t even like SingStar where you get scored. Basically, it was just them slapping together an instrumental track onto the video clip and then adding rather shotty lyrics on screen because they were timed so poorly. The video clips were very poor quality; wink wink I know where they get them from duh. There was no scoring, just sing along to the video clip for fun. Ha!I could do that too if I bothered to properly learn to add karaoke subtitles to a video clip, and if I had the time to make them. Oh well; it’s a shame.


I was confined to mostly English songs, just the ones my friends picked. Even chucked in a High School Musical song for the sake of it; just pretend they’re Disney music and it’s all fine. I picked “Breaking Free” and was surprised as we entered the room initially to find a Mandarin version of the song playing in the background. I downloaded that song now; it’s weird.


Just to name one other song I wanted to do, it was that “Piece of Me” song by Britney Spears, it’s strangely addicting in my opinion, most of her songs are. But in particular for this one, I got attached to it because comedian duo Hamish & Andy did their own versions of the song; they had to create like 30+ seconds of the song using only their mouths, so all the beats and the bass rhythm, everything, it was hilarious so that’s why I like the song now.


Tim was trying to cheat the place by playing a Wong Lee Hung medley at the very end of our 2 hours. It lasts 12 minutes long so in a  way we could actually get an additional 12 minutes in the room. But we sort of mistimed it and when we were 30 seconds into the song one of the staff came into tell us to go out. And we tried to say: “Umm…after this song…” He gave us a dirty look and Tim reckoned that he realized we were doing that 12-minute song. So out of guilt we left a minute later haha!


But yeah overall it was a long and fun-filled day; something to clear our boredom which was good. Tomorrow is next gen ‘09 and I’ll be away for 5 days. That just means a huge blog post to follow after camp haha! See you all later!

The High Tide

Well I haven’t blogged all week so might as well give an update of things that have happened; albeit not overlooking that the last few weeks of my life have been oddly upsetting for me. Anyway before that let’s re-cap the week:


Tuesday we had our uni info days. It was a split journey between UTS, UNSW and USYD. Each uni was offering free food of some sort. The talks at UNSW were quite boring and surely nothing new that we needed to hear. Tuesday was a waste of time because we weren’t going to change our preferences anyway so maybe it was merely an excuse to get out of the house. At least we had free food, where Matt and Yit kept stealing drinks: bottled tea which wasn’t so nice. And we also saw some familiar faces, some Ruse people, Esther and other people from our school.


Afterwards we decided to go net cafe. We went back to City Hunter because we knew it had the better computers but the service was shit. Nevertheless we spent the afternoon playing, a bit less of schooling from me which was good to see; which means everyone has still got potential. Anyway long story short, after gaming I got charged again for an extra 50c for going 1 minute over. Seriously, f*** these Mando c***s; we asked them to tell us when time was up. Oh but no, just wait for 1 min over and ask for more money. Gosh, such a rip off. A few other people faced the same situation as me but they argued and got away. I wasn’t in the mood for their bulls*** so I didn’t bother.


But on this note, there are net cafes that aren’t like this. Some net cafes rigged their systems so they kill your computer when time runs out, which is perfect, exactly what we need. That way there’s no fear of going over time and paying extra. The only reason City Hunter does it their way is so that people who want to stay longer won’t get disconnected halfway through, which is respectful but let’s come down to the huge issue: Lots of people in this world HAVE LIVES! No-one will be f***ing sad enough to game all night long in a f***ing net cafe. Seriously if they were they’d rather do it at home where they can “remove their waste products” in the leisure of their own home.


Oh well. Bottom line is, if we go there again either we be extra careful and sacrifice a few extra minutes (because we’ll be checking to see if we go overtime) or to simply not pay extra ever and walk away. Come to think of it, if we go for the first alternative we should get a 50c minimum refund, considering they have the nerve to charge us 50c for 60 measly seconds.


Okay come Wednesday, no wait forget that. Let’s go back to Tuesday night. On Wednesday we were planning on going to Karaoke in the city, with more gaming. I come home after net cafe on Tuesday and the first thing I hear from my parents is: “You can’t go out tomorrow because you need to get your passport ASAP.” My passport thing was a background issue at the time I thought. I had plenty of time to get it before going to Hong Kong next month. The thing I hated was that my parents said I had to go on Wednesday because I desperately needed it. And  I’ll admit I was excited about karaoke because I haven’t been in a long time. My parents knew I was going on Wednesday. What about Thursday? Oh no that’s way too late apparently. So they found it in their best interest to f*** up a day I was looking forward to; great parents huh?


What’s more, I didn’t  see why they managed to leave my passport until the very last moment; this wasn’t like them. And yet whatever the reason was for their delay, I was to pay for their mistakes. Slight injustice here. Why am I paying for their incompetence? Sure it’s my responsibility; just tell me to take care of it and I would’ve finished the application ages ago. So it would seem my Wednesday plans were ruined and I’d be getting that feeling of being left out which totally messes me over nowadays.


But thank God because somehow the event got cancelled for some reason or another and I suppose luckily things fell into place. Though one can’t help but think it may have been passively my fault for not being able to make it in the first place; never mind,, it’s complicated mechanics here. But anyway come Wednesday I had to organise everything to desperately get my passport. I called the passport office up and guess what? I was not eligible to receive my passport urgently; what a f***ing waste of my time and frankly if Wednesday’s plans had gone through, I would’ve missed out in vain because of my parents mistake again. It’s still a month before I leave and you need to leave within 3 weeks to receive your passport on urgent notice. I just needed to get it the normal way. And so I went down to the post office that afternoon to hand in the forms;just to get it over and done with. And guess what? The photos my dad took were no good. I could not believe it, a third incompetent act on my parents’ behalf. This is ridiculous. Apparently my glasses were crooked (and they are) and they partially covered my eyelids. My dad wasted a lot of my time beforehand taking passport photos and all that effort for naught; I just couldn’t believe how much of my time they’ve actually wasted just for a simple passport. My mum took me to a camera shop nearby and we had the photos re-done for $10 and 15 minutes; that’s all it f***ing took, but my dad’s so arrogant he thinks he can do it himself; guess he couldn’t.


I still hadn’t finished lodging in my form yet. We needed a third person to sign the photo to authenticate it. Kenneth Leung our church minister was the person we selected and so the fourth hassle was that after dinner I had to pop down to church and get his signature; he was at church conducting an adult’s Bible study. Man, to just walk in and interrupt him; lucky I arrived early. And then a final bit of trouble was having to wake up early on Thursday morning to re-lodge my application. And all that effort which was unnecessary but stupid parents obviously make you do stupid things huh?


Friday our youth group was meant to have a get-together and so something social. I was going to organise sports at a park although the weather seemed bleak on the day. But the thing was that no-one came or wanted to come. They all had plans or something. And it just s***s me to see my plans fall apart like that. Last time when we did SingStar that was a fair success and suddenly I get this crap from everyone and no-one turns up except the kids in year 6-7 who I’m supposed to be the leader of for this year when they graduate to our side. So somehow I guess God may have set this up so I could get to know my group but that’s sort of hard since I’m in this fleeting state at the moment. And to make things worse I’m organising ice skating for next week and already I have a lot of negative feedback with people not coming. It just s***s me over when things fall apart and it looks to be my fault. I rather not try with everyone “having plans” or whatever s*** excuse they want to give me.


And on this topic church today brings back memories of the bad weeks I’ve had there; it seems they’ve been bad for some consecutive weeks now; after a chain of good weeks which contrasted largely with nowadays. Hmm, all this time I’ve been thinking of changing churches. I’ve always wondered if I ever belonged with those people and frankly I remember more weeks where I don’t belong than those where my place was with them. I had plans to move of course, incomplete plans. I’m sure Livingstone would easily let me in but yet I was held back by the fact I “abandoned” them after AWANA got disbanded at the end of primary school. But had Mandy recovered enough to go to church, I would’ve gone with her and then I would’ve have hopefully lifted the problem. But I guess I’m stuck now, no hope of getting away. I’m bound by service to my church in that it’d be rude to just walk away; and still my plans to move are incomplete.


But nowadays I do feel  inadequate for service. I barely hold any place amongst the people there; no-one talks to me. And you’d think that somehow I would need to be bigger man and initiate the conversation and all. Oh but with how f***ed up I am these days that’s something I fear; dam anti-social fear. So they won’t talk,I won’t talk, we’re caught in a stalemate then,yeah? Simple. And it really makes me wonder how strong I am as a Christian anymore; it’s no longer within my mind to encourage everyone else in Christ, it seems to be the other way now; that is to say it should be the other way, though nothing actually happens.


But on that note of feeling weak I am nearly clueless at why I’ve been feeling so s*** these days, why I’ve seemed to reach “the high tide” of my days. It happened a while after HSC finished and somehow maybe it will fade when uni starts. But somehow I suspect it’s been caused by my hope in other people. I guess I was always told to try and let other people “help” me which does seem logical but something always told me that no-one can. And thinking back on these last few weeks; it seems I was right even though I wanted to try and see.


I suppose the support I received from people I tried to confide in was nice but somehow it seems far from anything that can "help me. What I’ve come to dislike is the mere use of words where action was more appropriate. I guess for everyone it’s always nice to hear words like: “Hey I’m here for you, man.” But in the end, words are words and they don’t do anything. Well they can if they come in the form of reasoning and all. But I really don’t like hearing that s*** about people “saying” they want to help me because it means jack s*** to me. You cannot voice a feeling through words. True feelings come from the heart and unfortunately we are human and we cannot see the heart. God can, that’s cool, but we can’t.


But perhaps the fault lies with me. Perhaps I had expected too much of the people around me. I guess I assessed their potential based on feelings rather than thinking logically what they can do that’s practical. Having that feeling that someone is able to catch anytime and anywhere is nice but one needs to stop and think whether the person can actually pull it off. I suppose the same applies for me. I guess I need to learn to be a practical friend as well, as soon I can get rid of this s*** feeling in me. But yeah  I want to believe that the people around me can offer more than mere words and I still do. But perhaps the time is not right to expect something so much from them. And it lies in my fault to raise my hopes so high based on a feeling which could not be transformed into actions.


So all in all I would be living in the time of broken hopes and these days I’ve been trying to shoulder all of that burden on my own again now, since trying to share it was a big mistake. So once again I stand alone and I probably need some time on my own to get that concept back into my system; to give up that hope and embrace that despair, it’s called reality. Luckily I have a trip to Hong Kong next month with just my mum. No distraction from technology, a fair amount of isolation; a good chance to recuperate.


Waiting for the high tide to settle down now.