I checked my driving log book today. I added up all those ridiculously un-rounded figures of 1 minute, 7 minutes, 13 minutes of driving; and with only 2 months left I have reached a grand total of: 32.5 hours (rounded). Two months left to do 17.5 hours of driving. What really upsets me is that I don’t believe I’ll make it. I had always felt like I’ve done at least 40, and yet I find officially I fall so short of my required 50 hours. At this rate there is a high chance that I won’t be able to get my Ps before my Ls expire.
Anyone who dares to say: “Well Jason you should’ve done more driving” deserves to get shot and die a bloody painful death. But because of your ignorance of the situation you should also be spared of such punishment. But you do think that of me don’t you? I know one of my own sisters in Christ laughed at me and teased me about it; it was not nice, it hurt and I find it hard to regard her as a fellow Christian, with such an oblivious and immature attitude.
I pose the question back: “How?” Seeing as getting a driving instructor is rather expensive, your reply to this would be: “Your parents.” And this is where the full explanation comes to light. But such an explanation would take too long, and having to start from the very beginning is going to be very time-consuming. I will not do so at this time; you’ll just have to live with the current details.
Why is it that my parents can only give me 32.5 hours of driving experience over the last 2 years 10 months? Why is it that someone else’s parents can give their child 140 hours of driving experience in less than the amount of time for me? Why is it that other people can get their P’s, 120 hours of driving, within a single year? How is it possible? I find it hard to believe that there is such a huge margin of difference between what I’ve achieved and what they’ve achieved. It disgusts me to think that there is such imbalance in this matter.
But you wouldn’t even have to think for a second, though with hesitation that the only logical answer is “my parents”. Point the finger, play the blame game, yes I am. It is my parent’s fault, or cause to be less judgemental, that I, at this rate, am going to fail my L’s. And why? Because my parents couldn’t spare 50 hours of their already aged lives to help me attain something that in the long run will be able to help them attain something? Honestly, I cannot view my hours as the “standard” for what is fair and considered “love”. How then would I view other people, who have quadrupled my hours in less time than I have taken?
To cut the discussion short, I will in short say that my parents are complete lazy f***s. My dad doesn’t work, he’s retired, yet he can only give me 32.5 hours of his jobless life for driving; that is it. THAT IS IT? How the f*** can that be it. Other parents who are still working are able to devote four times the amount of time he has. And if everyone else can do it, then what is the fair standard? Is everyone above average, or is my dad below average? It can only be fair to conclude the latter hypothesis. My mum is even daring enough to say: ‘Your dad is tired and stressed everyday.” From what? From sitting around TV and staring at the computer screen all day, is that the source of the stress?
I refuse to take such an insolent excuse as an answer, as an explanation for this concern. I refuse to stir away from the fact that my dad is a lazy bugger with such a weak excuse. And this is coming from a woman who, after I come home from a long game and start gaming, goes: “Oh my gosh are you gaming again?” I will probably post my long day after my disgust vents down but even after a long semester, even when I’ve reached the holidays, I still can’t enjoy myself?
My house is a prison if so. If I can’t do anything I want. If my parents are going to be complete control freaks, offer me as little as possible, and expect me to give a return to them in their senior years. I can bluntly say that I am nothing more than my parent’s’ “investment” for their retirement. When they’re too old to work, they’ll just leach money off me. That’s why they want me to have a good education and have a good job. It’s got jack shit to do with “me living a full life”. It’s nothing more than “me living my life for them”. The complete utter selfishness of my parents makes me realise that without God, I would not be loving them today. Without God I would not be withholding my distress, my impatience, my sorrow, from them. Without God they wouldn’t be blessed the way their self-centered selves are today,
There is more to this story than today’s little snippet. I expect nobody to understand my position from a simple story, no. If you did you have quite a mind and affinity with me. But knowing you all as you are, I highly refuse giving my hope to such a possibility. How do you think I feel that I have to ask people to “give me a lift” all the time. For them to be my “taxi”, my “ride”. How embarrassing is it that everyone knows my address because at some point everyone has given me a lift back home. How Sorrowful is it to see my fellow youth group leaders all able to drive, such that I am the only “useless” leader? Do I not feel shame? Do I not feel anger? Do you think then I purposely hold back from getting my Ps, to have as little driving experience throughout the week? Do you all think I’m just playing this like a game, that I don’t take getting my P’s seriously? That it’s cool to continue leeching off others for what they shouldn’t need to be giving me? Do you even understand?
Loneliness, of friends, of a special someone, was never the burden I carried throughout all my years of depression. No you are all wrong. I was wrong for a number of years too. The burden I carry today is much different to what most people would be carrying, and similar to only a few. Today, and since the beginning, my burden has always been: my parents.