Ah at last, the mid-sem break. Even if it is only a mere week I’ve realised that a lot can be achieved and certainly the upcoming week will be a time to really make further plans about the rest of this semester, and other stuff. My first five weeks have been interesting; getting into the routine of lectures and tutorials wasn’t all too hard; and of course combining that with my church life only gave me a small problem so far.
I find that it is rather easy to skip classes, and also somewhat beneficial. I would’ve never thought that jigging class should be something that can be safely done but for some people it can; and most it is especially when the lecture is not helpful at all. And now our so-called “fixed timetable” is in fact rather flexible. Mixing and matching lectures is fairly fun and I’ve found that it’s sort of made a couple of my days easier.By killing off my Mondays, so I end at 6pm instead, I can leave uni on Tuesday at 12pm and go have lunch with my parents in Eastwood, a fair trade.
But enough of the whole timetable thing. Obviously the significant thing that’s on everyone’s mind is exams. And surely everyone has gone through at least a class test at this stage. I’ve been through a few number of maths quizzes now. They aren’t big but there were many of them; four now. And to hell if I don’t get close to 100% for all of them, I’d be really shocked if I can’t maintain a HD average for my course haha! We have a mix of online tests and class tests, all are fairly short and hence all are worth little in total. Even if a test is worth like 1% it’s still worth trying to get 100% in it since they’re all add up eventually.
But one thing has been troubling me for this week especially. Don’t know why I suddenly had this huge emotional drop, very strange indeed. But now thinking back to something Vanessa said on her blog a while back, I would never have thought that friends do come and leave, just as she said. One of the reasons why I’m not making such a huge effort to make new friends was that I wanted to hold onto my old friends strongly. Why wouldn’t I? Isn’t that the point of being friends? You stay as friends? If you were to ditch your old friends for new ones every time you had to make a new transition into another living environment, then don’t you suck as a friend because you discard them for others? Are people that “selfish” then, that we would jettison our old friends because they become “useless”?
Fair enough, ever since uni started, staying in touch with a lot of people from high school has been hard. I know some of my group have gone to places where we might never see them again, or at least not see them much. And so what then? Do we just take them out of our lives because they’re no longer reachable? Is that how shallow friendship is? For sure with the aid of the Internet these days especially, staying in touch with friends, being connected with them, is a much simpler task. And yet why don’t we for some of our friends? Why would we show favour for someone we’ve just met, over someone else you’ve known and hung out with for 6 years? Is it because it’s easier to talk to them? (ie. face to face as opposed to being physically separated from your former friends?)
In any respect I still wonder why there’s this desire to “make new friends”. Yeah it’s all good to make new friends but does it come at the cost of your other friends? Surely it really does suck to be left behind by your other friends because they made new ones. It’s like everyone turns their own way and it’s a mere “good-bye” that’s it. Stay as friends for 6 years and then become mere classmates after that. What would be the point in being friends if the friendship didn’t last? If you don’t maintain it you can’t expect it to still be there.
And so the source of my mood swings for this week would have to be based on that troubling fact. I know in particular that there is one person who I’ve felt has betrayed me in the way I have just described. And it hurts to think that you can depend on someone and yet they simply end up lying to you. As harsh as it is to say, that person is somewhat a hypocrite in trying to encourage a growing friendship and yet on multiple occasions have lied to you and then simply stopped staying in contact with you DESPITE what they said. In a situation like that I’d call it “destroying hopes”. And surely no-one likes having their hopes destroyed, it’s not nice. And it bugs me to think that the person in question can live with doing that to me. Oh but I suppose that as long as you have some friends, it’s okay to ditch others right? It’s not like you lost anything important because there’s lots of it. Is that the feeling we get when we want to push someone away? Intentionally or not?
So for this week I do wonder if that person knows they hurt me, whether they even remember it. Or whether they’re too caught up in their “new friends” that they find it justifiable to f*** up someone else. It hurts I’ll tell you that. It hurts to lose hope in someone you thought you could depend on. And yet I wouldn’t hate that person or wish them a bad future. And yet what am I left with? “What am I left with?” indeed…