Ah haven’t blogged for ages but yes I don’t feel like working so rather than procrastinate, I’ll vent my energy doing something slightly more productive. Please read the post title as “Early-Game Plan” rather than the other way around. Anyway I’ve tried fairly hard to make my transition into university as swift as possible. And the first and foremost issue that needed to be addressed was time management. It was about finding a time balance between uni and, the next most prominent activity, church. Being “employed” in church has really taken a toll on my spare time and even the time I should spend for uni-related stuff so I guess I really do have to make a plan for that.
As always, I’m trying to employ the same trick I used back for year 11-12;: stay ahead of work and the load will be easier to carry. That was quite true and I found myself feeling less stress than would be if I didn’t like jump ahead in class. The same is still true in this case, and I guess I seem to be much better off than those who are grumbling about being behind already in their studies; fair enough. Actually I do want to see the kind of mark I can achieve in tertiary education. I mean back in high school, aiming for 100% was a fairly easy goal to achieve (or at least get close to 100%). I guess I’m naively assume this is also true for uni. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But surely if it was as hard as my Preliminary Theology Certificate exam then oh dear that’s not good. So if things go well this semester, I might actually sacrifice some of my time for uni, get like a distinction average (75%+) and then relieve myself in other areas.
But for now the plan is still to stay ahead in my work; it hasn’t been too hard but I think I still need to work on my study patterns. I sometimes find that I’ll only be productive at certain moments; and when I’m not “in the mood” I end procrastinating and struggling to do my homework, such as now; maybe I’m too tired at the moment to move ahead for accounting, but then that’s because I gave myself a late weekend (ie sleeping late each night). So therefore I shall have this post done before 10pm I swear.
Funny though, I think I had a pretty good start in terms of picking my timetable; being as efficient as I could. But even then I still have 5 days of uni a week, 18 hours a week, with about 5 idle hours for lunch/free time. And good thing because I managed to slip in some activities in those breaks so things worked out okay for my timetable in that respect. But I find now that having 9am starts really do take a toll on you; having to sleep early means I have a shorter night to study and stuff but I do have a fair amount of the afternoon. But then by the time it hits the afternoon, I feel like having fun until night and so unless I manage to discipline myself, I end up wasting that time too. But one thing is certain, no more 9am starts for me, ever!
Actuarial studies is fairly easy I reckon; it’s just maths day in and day out, no theory, just learn the new stuff and do the exercises, fairly mechanical and similar to high school. The only different is that there’s less time for it during class time and I find I really have to rip a lot of spare time into practising maths; that’s the only you actually learn maths, by practising it. Of course as other people have told me, Actuarial Studies is hard because they simply can’t stand the maths; which is true. Therefore, Actuaries is exclusive because not everyone is suited for it ^^ That’s why I reckon it’s heaps better than doing medicine, it’s so varied and stuff but then that’s so since I’m not suited for medicine.
Well church-wise I didn’t quite plan, from last year, that I’d end up being a youth group leader with a now much easier to manage team than compared to Soul Purpose (you know what I’m talking about). I’m glad that at least I can carry less of the weight because I can see my fellow leaders Nat, Jess and Eva (and also the spaz Jess) are all fairly reliable; otherwise I think church would be taking more of a toll on me than it is. But yeah I guess I’m more comfortable working together with them as a team and I guess it’s really helped us grow closer as brothers and sisters in Christ.
My duties now at church are much more different than with Soul Purpose, and somehow those tow years of experience I had don’t seem to aid me much here. Firstly, leading my Bible study group is different. Of course by Kenny’s wishes I was assigned the guys, yet all of them are like year 7-9 so basically I have a group of junior guys; which suffice to say is harder to work with than say the senior girls. But I think the largest difference is that leading them is a whole new game for me. Thinking back to Soul Purpose, the group I lead varied each time so I never knew them, and they never knew me. I would lead them for one time and then perhaps never get to chat with them again; kind of like a “DotA match”. But now, I’ll see the same guys every week and soI really have to act on the basis that they’ll be growth over time…much like any “RPG game”. So by using these two metaphors, my leadership role has suddenly changed and well I guess it’s simply different and also takes time to get used to.
But that’s okay; I think I’ve won more respect from the kids I was once a fellow youth group attendee with. I guess my coordination roles at church have been reduced, and probably all for the better. I never really had any intentions of making an impact for church; just with the youth group so I’m glad my weight has been lifted there. And then finally RICE; very excited about being the church representative for that. Next Monday (not tomorrow) will be the first official leader’s meeting; I’ll have to like rush from uni and get there, grab diner on the way as well T.T” But they’re gonna give us free shirts! YES! And somehow I sense that I’ll chance a meeting with someone very familiar from Livingstone…just somehow.
Oh but on that matter, I’ve met up with some people that I haven’t seen for ages, like Ernest and Cindy, both from my Chinese school. Actually I couldn’t recognize Cindy when I saw her next to Nat; she was in perfect height ratio with Eric funnily enough. I always suspected that the two of them had something between them since they saw each other heaps during high school, like at Epping station. But now I realise that she’s too different from Eric…you can tell from just looking at all her makeup haha! It’s nice that she’s in my accounting tutorial. And then there was Ernest; I remember him so clearly as does Eric. If anyone paid attention, the last time I mentioned an Ernest was at the next gen camp; same guy. Well I’m glad that we’re both at the same uni now; he’s doing Computing and stuff but we still see each other at CBS. I never got the chance to find out how he became such a strong Christian …well he seems strong since he went to next gen (it’s not a camp for noobs and Hillsong hilly-billys I’ll tell you).
And now on to the rest of my life, things are better now in light of my conflict with my parents. I somehow suspect it will come to an end soon but for now I’ll see how long I can keep the good vibes flowing; surely it is the Devil who’s had some sort of ploy in everything of the past. But yeah apart from them, the empty feeling inside me is still there. I think I can finally step back and openly say I feel lonely, without making myself seem small on the outside because I simply won’t look like I’m lonely haha! But even in spite of that, it’s not weighing me down too badly. Yeah, it’ll feel bad at times but I can usually sleep it off and I’ll be re-invigorated once again.
Hmm…maybe it’s because I’ve grown to become paranoid; it’s expected considering the things I’ve faced; it just sucks that I find a way to hold back from someone even though all logical evidence tells me I can trust them; and so maybe feeling lonely simply comes from my paranoia towards the people around me. Of course there are people I can strongly say I trust with even my own life. It probably doesn’t mean much but to earn my trust the way I am I reckon is fairly hard because it can be broken so easily because I read bad things in a paranoid and pessimistic way. Sometimes I’m right, but mostly I’m wrong. So for those who have earned even just half of my trust, it’s quite far I reckon. But then it still doesn’t change the fact I “feel” lonely…shame for me to be caught up in a psychological trap as this…